


Pirates of Kingsman

by Dagonet (AgentDagonet)



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Eggsy's Frederic, JUST, M/M, Slightly - Freeform, i wanted it so i wrote it, it's kind of a Pirates of Penzance AU, kind of, look - Freeform, slightly pirates, trust me - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-27
Updated: 2019-11-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:13:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21578137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentDagonet/pseuds/Dagonet
Summary: Eggsy's been apprenticed to Captain Lancelot of the Kingsman for over a decade, but today...Today his apprenticeship is up, and that means he's finally free.
Relationships: Harry Hart | Galahad/Gary "Eggsy" Unwin, James | Lancelot/Percival (Kingsman)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	Pirates of Kingsman

Eggsy woke up to a ship of off-key singers dragging him from his bed before tossing him overboard.

Shit. It was his birthday.

Someone shoved a box in his direction, and Eggsy pulled from it a cutlass with intricate knotwork about the guard. It was shiny and new and obviously something they’d hidden from him for ages for just this occasion. Despite being raised aboard this ship, and doing all that as asked of him, and participating in all of their activities, he’d never truly been a member of the crew. Percival was the only tie to his long forgotten and left behind family, having stuck with him for his apprenticeship despite it being ten years at sea. Ten years without regular stops at port, ten years of this chaos, ten years of pillaging and looting and destruction that he was finally free from.

As of today, Eggsy was a free man, able to follow his heart and mind and make a proper man of himself. Lancelot was a fair captain, the crew loved him; they were a family in every way that mattered- blood of the covenant versus the water of the womb and all that shit. They were cohesive, the men of Kingsman, and Eggsy had grown up knowing that at the end of his apprenticeship a proper place awaited him.

_ For today our pirate ’prentice rises from indenture freed; strong his arm, and keen his scent is He’s a pirate now indeed! _

‘Yeah, yeah, I’m not slave to that scrap of paper anymore- but that means I’m leaving you lot forever, not joinin’ the crew.’ The lot of them froze, some mid swing, and Lancelot fell from his perch in the crow’s nest with a solid thump. ‘I’ve done my best for you lot- and y’know why? Duty, bruv. That scrap of paper for my apprenticeship was signed without readin’ it through proper, sorry Perce,’ The man shrugged, lifted one side of his mouth sadly and gestured for Eggsy to continue, ‘he misread pirate as pilot and I’ve been stuck here since. I kept my word cos my da always taught me you’re only good as your word. So I stuck it out, I learned this shit proper, cos I don’ do shit half-arsed.

‘An’ I love you lot. Honest, I do, as people- but your job is shite. It’s barely a job, it’s just you lot fucking about and causin’ chaos and I _hate_ _it._ Pirates ain’t helping anyone, an’ I’m gonna spend the rest of my life tryin’ to undo this shit I’ve helped you do.’ Eggsy put the cutlass back into the box and pressed it into Lancelot’s arms. ‘I can’ stay here and help you lot hurt people you don’ even know.’

‘If that’s really how you feel, Eggsy, we can’t stop you. You should never pretend to be something you’re not for the sake of others- always act in accordance with the dictates of your conscience, and damn the consequences.’ Lancelot pressed a hand to his chest with kind eyes, sympathy Eggsy didn’t feel he deserved for breaking their hearts but couldn’t bring himself to reject.

‘It’s not as if we’re able to tempt you away with vast riches, though I couldn’t possibly tell you why.’

‘I could, but I don’t have to now.’ Eggsy sounded smug, but Lancelot looked to the sun briefly before smirking back.

‘Ah, but you do- you see, you’re one of us until noon. And it’s barely eleven-thirty, so you’re  _ duty bound _ ,’ Lancelot mocked, slightly, but with a grin that took the sting away, ‘to help us.’ The crew crowded Eggsy to the bow, pressed him into sitting, and then sat crowded by his feet with their eyes imploring. ‘Now, Eggsy- how can we be better pirates?’

‘You lot are too nice.’ The crew flinched back, half of them opening their mouths. ‘NO, you lot listen or I’m gonna spout bullshit til the clock strikes twelve. You don’t target anyone weaker than yourselves- an’ then you’re shocked when you lose.’

‘Well it wouldn’t be sporting of us, would it?’ Bors said from his spot sat by Eggsy’s knee, ‘If we fought only when we knew we could win.’

‘You’re  _ pirates _ you’re  _ supposed _ to be unsporting. You refuse to harm an orphan- an’ I don’t know if you’ve noticed but the last three ships we boarded were  _ manned entirely by orphans. _ ’ The crew looked to each other with shocked eyes, and Eggsy rolled his eyes skyward. ‘Unless you think they’re recruitin’ for the navy straight from the orphan asylums, I’d say word of that shit’s gotten around and it’s being used against you.’

‘But we know what being an Orphan is like- would you have us be entirely merciless to those with whom we share that experience?’ Gawain asked, and those around him nodded in agreement.

‘Well that’s the problem- til noon I would, and after noon I wouldn’t.’

‘Dare I ask your intentions for me, then, on this grand quest of yours?’ Percival spoke from where he was leant upon the mast, eyes searching yet face bland as it had ever been.

‘Honest I hadn’t thought about it much- figure you’re a free agent now. Well,’ Eggsy corrected, ‘come noon. You can make your own choices withou’ worrying about my sorry mug.’

‘It’s been an honour to keep you from an untimely demise, but I’ll admit to being pleased by your intended course of action.’ Percival nodded, a slight smile curling at the very edges of his lips, and Eggsy somehow knew that he would be heading for shore alone.

‘Well, it’s the top of the tide, and noon besides. Goodbye, Eggsy. When your process of extermination begins, let our deaths be as swift and painless as you can conveniently make them.’ Lancelot guided him by the elbow toward the dinghy, and the rest of the crew came by to bid him farewell and toss odd trinkets into the boat.

‘I will, swear down- love you all too much to make you suffer. But, y’know,’ Eggsy looked toward the landmass in the distance, ‘you could always come with me?’ He turned wide eyes toward Lancelot, somehow hoping to convince the man to abandon the life he’d built from scratch.

‘No, Eggsy, we really can’t. I don’t think much of our profession, but,’ Lancelot made his way back toward the rest of the crew, climbing onto the base of the sail, ‘contrasted with respectability, it is comparatively honest.’

  
  


Eggsy let the tide bring him in. He needed the time to think, to be frank. To figure out where his life was going after all of this; he’d never learnt the ins and outs of society, it was uncharted territory and terrifying to even think about but he couldn’t continue the way he had been. He didn’t know what he was doing, had no idea where to even  _ start _ but he had to start somewhere.

Eventually he met shore and began to collect what he could into his rucksack. Somehow, Eggsy’d managed to miss Lancelot tossing the cutlass into the boat. A sword made for a pirate, destined to only ensure their destruction. He wouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth, a weapon was a weapon, but maybe it would help him remember his promise. Make it as quick as he could manage- they were still people, after all. He made his way up the bank without bothering to secure the boat- what would he use it for after this?- and happened across a group of people sat outside of what was obviously a pub.

They were beautiful. He’d never allowed himself to look at a man proper, before- Kingsman wasn’t made up of the sort of people who would have judged him, but he knew that if he’d let himself look he’d never have left. And he needed to do what was right instead of what was easy, or pleasurable. But these men, near Percival’s age but in no way lesser in beauty for their years, made him stop in his tracks. Here was something he could start with, maybe.

‘Can we help you, lad?’ The bald man spoke, brogue thick on his tongue, and Eggsy relaxed minutely. He had not been ignored or dismissed, and even though being spoken to for staring was embarrassing it was better than being left unseen.

‘I hope so, cos I ain’t got a clue of what to do from here.’ Eggsy adjusted his pack’s weight on his shoulder, and lifted a shoulder self deprecatingly. The group observed his actions, looked to one another, and seemed to come to an unspoken decision.

‘Well, you’re sitting with us, of course.’

‘You don’ know shit about me!’ Eggsy protested, though he didn’t really know why he did so. He approached the table as if it would bite him, and slowly sat himself across from their collective.

‘The fact that you’re trying to convince us to leave you be just makes it more clear you’re not a danger to us,’ the man to the left, with waved brown hair darker than Eggsy’s own, spoke that time. ‘In any case, your entire demeanor makes me incredibly curious. What’s your name? What do you do?’

‘M’name’s Eggsy. And I’m a pirate,’ the group looked shocked, the men moreso than the lady in blue, but none of them made to move, ‘or, well, I was one til noon- what time is it, anyway?’

‘Half past two.’ The woman on the right, dressed just as finely, told him, having looked briefly at a timepiece she’d pulled from a pocket.

‘I spent two hours thinkin’ about nothing on a boat cos I know fuck all about how to be a person.’ Eggsy said, mostly to himself but loud enough for them to hear him. They were an odd collection of people, sat outside, but somehow Eggsy didn’t feel more othered by watching their silent conversations.

‘Well, Eggsy, there’s nothing for it- you’re coming with us.’ The gentleman to the left said, nodding to himself as if they’d actually discussed and decided upon such a thing.

‘Who even are you people?’

‘Oh, how rude of us- sorry, Eggsy, we simply aren’t used to having to introduce ourselves. We’re part of the local peacekeepers, as it happens- we want to help, if we can; especially if one such as yourself is a reformed Pirate. Your knowledge would be invaluable to us.’ Eggsy couldn’t believe his luck. The longer the woman spoke the greater Eggsy’s fortune seemed to become. Not only were they not dismissive, but they worked in the very fashion he wished to. They desired his knowledge, and Eggsy was far more than willing to tell them all he knew.

‘I don’t even know your names. I’m more than happy to tell you everythin’ I know, but I want to help in rounding them up. I don’,’ Eggsy paused, shamefaced, ‘I ain’t proud of what I’ve done, but my da said a man was only good as his word and I’d been signed to ‘pprentice them til I was 22. And that was today, so I cut ties and made my way to shore and I got no idea what I’m doing.

‘But I want to do some good in this world, y’get me?’ Eggsy made firm eye contact with each of them in turn, thankful that they hadn’t interrupted. ‘I wanna try and make up for the shite I did, an’ telling the story’s less than half the job.’

‘My name’s Merlin,’ Eggsy stifled a laugh, unable to believe that he’d escaped Kingsman just to be haunted by more Arthurian names, ‘the lass to your right is Roxanne, an’ the berk to your left is Harry.’ Well, at least the rest of them were regular names. Eggsy made a point to shake their hands, grasp firm but not tight, and even the lady had the calluses of a fighter. Unusual, but who was Eggsy to judge? Roxanne seemed to relax when he addressed her the same as the men, and he knew that she’d had problems with being respected in the past- and likely in the present, too.

‘Well, Eggsy, allow me to say that your devotion to the greater good is nothing short of admirable,.’ Harry tipped a glass in his direction, and took a small sip before continuing, ‘might I ask what your plan is, then?’

‘Dunno, to be honest; I just know I can’ let them keep gettin’ away with it if I can help it. I don’t have a place to stay or anyone to send a message to- lost track of my family years ago- but I want to help. I ain’t got anythin’ to lose, but that means I don’t have much to offer, neither.’

‘Oh, I’m sure that’s not true, Eggsy,’ Roxanne leant forward, a small smile graced her lips, ‘we’ve all had to begin somewhere- you won’t know what you can accomplish until you try.’

‘You’ve already taken the last step, lad,’ Merlin spoke lowly, ‘by leaving your previous place of employ. But only you can decide where you’re heading next.’ There was something soft in his eyes, despite his firm demeanor, and Eggsy was viscerally reminded of Percival. He hoped the man would be okay without him there.

‘I for one see a young man with potential, and look forward to working with you towards a mutual goal.’ eggsy couldn’t help but smile, though he looked away and ran a hand up the back of his head. It was sad how such a simple phrase could make him pink about the ears- but compliments from beautiful people, the likes of which he had never allowed himself to observe let alone interact with prior to this… they were something he would need to grow used to, if he continued this acquaintance. He couldn’t see the trend continuing past that circumstance.

‘Well, if we’re ever gonna get shit done we’ve got to get someplace safe- just cos I left the ship don’t mean that it left me. For all I know they’re right behind me-’

‘I thought I felt my ears burning, little Eggsy.’ The comment was echoed by a hand in his hair, and Eggsy grimaced at his newfound table mates. ‘You talking poorly about us so soon?’

‘If you lot already forgot that I pledged myself to seeing your kind dead in the span of three hours then you’re dumber than I thought you were.’ Lancelot laughed, and moved his hands to Eggsy’s shoulders before extending one to Merlin.

‘Lancelot, of Kingsman, I’ll be taking your personal items.’ Roxanne had pulled a parasol from someplace unseen and used the handle to redirect his hand and press it to the table in a move Eggsy couldn’t follow with his eyes but wanted to learn immediately.

‘I should think not; between our friends and the Major General you’re far out of your league, pirate.’ Roxanne spoke as if she was sipping tea as opposed to holding a man’s wrist down with a parasol, and neither Merlin or Harry had twitched at the action.

‘A Major General, you say?’ If Eggsy didn’t know Lancelot so well he’d have missed the slight tremor in his voice, and Eggsy could hear the rest of Kingsman pretending not to be listening from around the corner.

‘Yes, in fact, I’m rather wondering as to your profession and your purpose in harassing my companions.’ The voice was old and dry, textured in a way Merlin and Harry’s were not, and it grated against Eggsy’s ears- but it caused Lancelot to let him go as if burned. ‘Chester King, Major General- and you are?’

‘Just, uh, passing through.’ 

‘Yes, Lancelot here was merely introducing himself.’ Harry interceded, cool as you pleased.

‘Oh, I’m certain you were; I doubt you were going to be the cause of any unkind actions upon the few friends I have. An orphan’s life is not so full of connections, you know?’ There’s a sad lilt to the end, and Eggsy nearly slaps a palm down his face. Here, happening in this very moment, was exactly what Eggsy had told them was going on. They were recognised so quickly and their chosen victims played their mercies against them.

The rest of Kingsman began to scuffle away, but Lancelot hesitated, and the Major General spoke up again.

‘Do you know well, Lancelot, the reality of being an orphan?’

‘Often.’ Lancelot sighed, and turned away.

‘I’m not certain you heard me- I asked if you know what it is to be an orphan, sir.’

‘And I have replied,  _ sir;  _ often.’

‘Often, often, often!’ The rest of the crew muttered as they made their way back to the ship, and just as Lancelot went to join them the older man spoke up again. Eggsy could barely believe the conversation happening behind him, and turned to watch the volley with interest. The Major General was dressed in uniform, white hair mostly covered by a cap, wrinkled and stern as he looked over the pirates.

‘I have to wonder if we are understanding each other- I’ve asked if you know what it is to be an orphan, and by my account you’re just repeating the word orphan back at me.’

‘I’ve not repeated anything back at you. I’ve said that I know what it is to be an orphan, often.’ Lancelot looked frustratedly at the Major General, and Eggsy felt a slight tug on his elbow. He turned his head from the spectacle, and found himself looking at Harry who had a finger raised to his lips.

‘He has this well in hand- let us away to the estate.’ It was whispered, barely more than a breath, but Eggsy lifted his pack to his shoulder and made his way out of sight while the others were distracted.

‘I think I’ve found the trouble, here. Are you saying you know what it is to be a person who has lost their parents, or are you saying that you know things frequently?’ Chester King went on, imperious and demanding and fading into the distance, and Eggsy knew that Lancelot would be turning this on its head sooner rather than later. At least he wouldn’t be there for the fallout.

‘Well, that answered at least one question of mine- you were apprenticed to the Kingsman, then?’ Merlin asked as they meandered through the streets, somehow not gathering any more attention than any other person out and about.

‘Yeah, my… butler? I guess? He was the man my mum and da trusted to raise me when they was away- anyway, he signed a contract at port without readin’ the fine print proper. Thought I was gonna be a pilot- problem with chattin’ about shit and signing papers. Accents, bruv, they fuck with the best of us.’ Eggsy shrugged, having made his peace with it a long while ago. ‘But he stayed with me, raised me even while we were with that lot ‘til I was 22 and the contract was up, so, here I am a free agent.’

‘And what happened to your companion, then, to bring you to us on your own?’ Roxanne entwined an arm with the one not holding his rucksack, and leant inward as if in flirtation. If Eggsy had been at all interested in the feminine form, he would have flushed, but as it was he met her eyes briefly as he replied.

‘He… well, I think he found somethin’ he wanted on the ship. Something he didn’t let himself have while I was there. He didn’t want to come with me.’ It wasn’t like it hurt, exactly, but he certainly felt adrift without the one person he had always had beside him.

They eventually made it to their destination, made their way through a hedge maze and a mausoleum before actually getting to a building that Merlin led them through. Eggsy couldn’t help but look around with wide eyes at the splendor inside. They went into a sitting room, Harry passed out glasses with amber liquid as if they had not just left a drinking establishment- but Eggsy took it gratefully.

Shock was setting in proper, now; he had left behind all he had ever known, he didn’t remember his family nor the land of his birth, and now he was sat in a stranger’s house and accepting drink before intending to turn around and slaughter those who had raised him. Not senselessly, he reasoned, he would make it as painless and quick as he could manage- for he was a man of his word if nothing else.

Some time later The Major General came into the building, hung his hat and turned to join them before pausing.

‘What ill-begotten stray have you brought into our home this time, children?’ It was exasperated, and though the words sounded mostly fond Eggsy could hear the sneer hidden about the word stray. And it was not as if he could contest such an association- what else could he call himself?

‘This is Eggsy, Chester- he was a member of the very pirate crew you played upon just now. His apprenticeship ended just today, and he wishes to aid in their destruction from this point forward.’ Merlin, whom Eggsy inferred was a man of few words and more actions, spoke without inflection to the man. He didn’t soften, the Major General did not take his word and smile, but he did look Eggsy over more critically.

‘A member of their band, you say? Has he information we can utilise?’

‘Yes, sir, General,’ Eggsy stammered, setting his glass down before stood and offered his hand to the man. Chester King eyed it warily before adjusting his cuff and shaking his hand. Eggsy noted that his palms were smoothed over and soft in a way the finer things allowed. Perhaps he was the man who made the plans, handled papers and did not enter combat so as to guarantee someone would be able to guide them through whatever could go wrong.

‘You do?’

‘I was apprenticed to the captain for over a decade, sir- and while you have obviously heard of their weakness for orphans I would like to hope that I know more than some rumors have provided you.’ Perhaps it was a bit insulting, he didn’t know this man at all, but if he was to make his way in the world he was going to do it as himself. He’d had to keep up a facade for so long already, he wasn’t going to continue on in that fashion no matter who it was.

‘Of course you will, Eggsy.’ Harry had come up behind him at some point, and as opposed to being frightened by his lack of awareness, the man at his back gave him strength.

Here was a man taking a chance of him. A man and his friends, who were in some way connected to this man, had seen him and thought he was worth the risk. Eggsy wasn’t going to squander the opportunity afforded him.

‘Sir, how did your verbal spar with the Lancelot character end?’ Roxanne came to Eggsy’s other shoulder, and somehow this broke the tension in the air. The Major General pulled from his pocket a small stick with a rolled bit of cloth, and Eggsy couldn’t have stifled the groan that came from his lips if he had tried.

‘He didn’ really give you that, did he?’ Eggsy spoke from behind a hand, slightly muffled, as the man began to unfurl it. ‘That absolute ponce.’

‘I thought it was rather amusing, myself- though who would proudly display such a thing I do not know.’

‘Well, they’re meant to be put in windows and shite so they can see if they’ve already hit you once. See, they don’ target the same people twice if they can help it, an’ they only give them flags to orphans. Or,’ Eggsy paused and lifted a brow, ‘anyone who claims to be an orphan- fuck knows there ain’t a way to check if it’s true or anythin’. I dunno what’d happen if they found out otherwise, but the chance of that is slim to none.’ Chester King seemed to look at Eggsy as though on just realising that he wasn’t laying claim to false knowledge. He was earnest, and though Eggsy couldn’t bring it in himself to  _ like _ the man yet, given his first impressions, he began to feel like he was at least partially respected by this man.

‘Well, it’s good that none but us in this room are aware that I am not, in fact, an orphan by any means. The mausoleum out there,’ King gestured out a nearby window at the structure, ‘is home to the King family. Though those that you’ve made acquaintance of truly have not had parents outside of myself.’ That knowledge, coming from this man and not from his new compatriots, sat like ash upon his tongue. Personal information was simply that- personal, and not to be given at whim by a friend to strangers.

‘Well,’ Roxanne said from where she was leaning against his shoulder, ‘technically I have parents, or at least  _ a _ parent- but they abandoned be outside the police station when I was a tot- can’t remember a thing about them.’

‘I’ve an uncle who took me in after my parents passed, so I never saw the insides of an asylum, but technically he speaks the truth.’ Merlin was tucked behind a book, and took a sip of his drink before turning a page.

‘So what you’re sayin’ is,  _ technically _ ,’ Eggsy looked about to meet each of their eyes, ‘you didn’ lie.’ 

‘Not at all,’ King said, as he brushed nonexistent lint from his shoulder,  _ ‘I  _ very plainly lied to them- but if these grown children end up in similar circumstances… they’re protected by this clause.’

‘Would someone who was taken in as a ward still count as an orphan?’ Harry asked as he brought Eggsy’s drink up to him. Which he was glad for, as he couldn’t make his legs move from where he’s stood talking with the elder man. He had something to prove, here, even if he had no idea of how to do so. Or what he was proving. 

‘They don’t think about it that deep, guv. You got parents? No? You’re an orphan.’

‘How are they at all successful in the business of piracy?’

‘They’re not. Last thing I did for them was give them some hard truths, but that flag,’ Eggsy gestured, ‘is evidence that they didn’ listen to me at all.’ 

‘All the better for us, then.’ That was a new voice, another young woman turned the corner followed by a rather tall man with the most garish outfit Eggsy had seen outside of pirate garb. Pirate garb was fashioned from whatever bits you could collect or commandeer- this man dressed so purposefully and it nearly hurt Eggsy’s eyes to continue looking.

‘Hey, young man- Valentine,’ The man held out a hand and smiled warmly, ‘where’d this lot pick you up from?’ His grip was sure, but smooth- untested by combat.

‘Just quit bein’ a pirate, they figured I was good for something or other,’ Eggsy couldn’t help the shrug, but he reveled in being able to denounce the Kingsman aloud. He’d spent so many years feeling guilt for the actions he had taken as a slave of duty, and here was his chance to begin to repair all that he’d done.

‘A pirate? Of which ship?’ The woman spoke, approaching from behind Valentine before extending her own hand, ‘Gazelle, pleasure.’

‘Kingsman- not the roughest lot, but they still cause enough trouble to be a bit infamous this end of the sea.’ The newcomers seemed to stay to one end of the room, silently refusing drink, and spoke for a few moments of nothing of import before regretfully bowing out and heading to their chambers.

‘Now that they’re away, let’s the four of us speak a while,’ Harry locked eyes with Eggsy briefly, and smiled, ‘our wanderer, here, is likely in need of proper rest- but I’d loathe to waste his knowledge while it is so fresh within him.’

‘Way to make it sound like an illness, Harry.’ Eggsy groused before he finished his drink and leant to grab pen and paper.

‘Is it not? Though not of any physicality, the strain and guilt upon the soul must be wretched and that seems as poor as any illness.’ Harry pulled the table closer, and pulled a map from a nearby drawer. ‘Now, where would they have landed the ship?’

It was several hours later that Eggsy lie in bed, awake and uncomfortable on the mattress, having given as much as he could think of before retiring for the evening. He wished that he could get his mind to still, but instead he became more aware by the moment- a shadow here, a rustle of the leaves there, and then- voices.

Familiar voices.

Eggsy threw on his boots, having thankfully dressed fully to sleep, tied his cutlass to his waist, and made his way out the door as quietly as he could. Though he saw no one, their voices were too near to be across the way- they were here, hiding, and Eggsy could only wonder as to why.

‘Young Eggsy!’ Lancelot’s voice, from somewhere in the mausoleum.

‘Who calls?’

‘Your late commander,’ He swaggered from behind a pillar, grin fully on across his face, ‘and his new first mate,’ and pulled Percival from whence he came. 

Eggsy could have recognised Percival with nothing but his ears to guide him, but the man that stood before him was unrecognisable compared to the man he left behind. His shoulders were loose, he was dressed in the kind of colourful attire Lancelot preferred, and he was watching the pirate with open affection- he looked at Eggsy briefly, shrugged as if to say  _ what can you do?, _ and sat atop one of the marble tombs. His legs swung uncaringly, head cocked to watch Lancelot more closely; and as frustrated as he was by their appearance, and what it meant for him personally, he was glad for their happiness.

‘Have you forgotten literally everything I said on the boat? When I said I’d try and kill you if we crossed paths again?’ Eggsy had already pulled his sword from his hip, and held it ahead of him as if he truly had the strength to attack them so soon after parting. He thought he’d have  _ time _ to build up to this confrontation. Lancelot pulled open his shirt, exposing the meat of his chest and approaching Eggsy’s blade in challenge.

‘My memory isn’t faulty, son, and that’s why we’re here today.’ Percival didn’t  _ sound  _ any happier than he had when he’d left, despite his appearance, or perhaps their reason for being here was grave enough to warrant the sombre tone. Lancelot remained kneeling before him until Eggsy groaned and put the sword away again.

‘What’s that mean?’ At the very least he would have more information for the peacekeepers who had taken him in so easiy.

‘You know that we enjoy riddles and stories, Eggsy? The thread that ties our band together is sarcasm and wit, you know that.’ Eggsy nodded, as Lancelot was correct. They were all so vastly different, at a glance, but the crew of Kingsman held themselves together by making connections of amusement and joy to bolster the ones of battle. Another way they were so much softer than any other band they’d come across. ‘When you left us, we began to reminisce about your time with us, mourning the member we had lost not to death but respectability- and I found this hidden in my stacks of useless paperwork.’ Lancelot withdrew from his back a roll of parchment, and Eggsy exchanged a startled look with Percival.

‘Yes, that’s your apprenticeship contract, my signature is at the bottom; I remember it too clearly to consider it being a fake.’ Lancelot began to unroll it before he passed it to Eggsy and stood. 

‘We went through it, as the crew, to see the terms of it more fully- and to perhaps find a way around your having left us and-’ Lancelot began to ramble, and Eggsy couldn’t help but fondly think of a thousand other instances of the man losing his train of thought.

‘We did.’ Percival cut Lancelot off, and placed a hand upon his still exposed chest to keep him from speaking further. ‘You see, you are correct in that the contract states that you were to stay upon the Kingsman until your twenty-second birthday- but,’ Percival shook his head in what could only be called fond exasperation, ‘once again I have made a blunder of it all.’

‘Oh not that nonsense, love- Eggsy, by someone in authority- likely the astronomer royal- it was made that February has twenty-eight days assigned to it, excepting for once every four years where it gets twenty-nine.’

‘I know how leap years work, bruv-’

‘But you see,’ Lancelot continued as if uninterrupted, ‘some fae or trickster god has made you the butt of an ill-natured joke- as you were born in leap year, on the twenty-ninth of February.’ Percival nodded in agreement before picking up the narrative, it seemed.

‘And so, you see, you’ve lived a full twenty-two years- but if we go by birthdays…’ Percival hesitated, but Lancelot nearly cackled in glee.

‘You’re only five, and a  _ little _ bit over. Isn’t that a lovely paradox?’

No. No no no no no, Eggsy began to calculate in his head, using his fingers each time he hit the twenty-ninth of February, only to come to the same conclusion.

‘Fuck.’ Eggsy collapsed, hugged his knees and began to think at a pace that made his head hurt.

He had only just escaped Kingsman; he was far more pirate than man, still, but he had spent his life until this moment convinced that he could undo the harms he had beset on the world while with that band. He had counted down months, weeks, days until it had finally come to fruition and here he was being told that it was all for naught. If he was barely over five, now, he would not be twenty-two until far past even Chester King’s age physically. He was trapped there, for life, causing a debt he would never have the chance to repay.

‘Five and a quarter, eh?’ Eggsy muttered to himself, ‘You wouldn’t think it, to look at me.’ He huffed a sad laugh, and looked up at Percival. ‘You really cocked this up, huh?’

‘By your measure, yes. Yes I did. But,’ Percival’s eyes flicked to Lancelot, ‘by my own it seems a happy accident. We of course would not demand that you honor this agreement-’

‘However,’ Lancelot interjected smoothly, ‘I would remind you of your sense of duty- you are a man of your word, after all.’ Percival smacked him, but it did nothing to change the man’s demeanor. He was smug and loose, a man who knew he had won prior to playing any of his cards. ‘Come,’ He reached and pulled Eggsy to his feet, ‘you’re one of us once more.’

‘Lead on, I follow.’ The trio made their way from the mausoleum, Eggsy far behind the other two as he dragged his feet and stared longingly at the house he would not set foot in as a free man again, that contained the newfound connections that he already had to sever.

‘Oh, fuck,’ Eggsy froze in place, staring at he window he knew held the sleeping Major General. ‘It breaks my heart to betray those with whom I have only recently allied, but duty demands honesty- the elder man you spoke to. The Major General?’

‘What of him, Eggsy?’

‘You gave him a flag, you made him an honorary member?’

‘ _ Yes, Eggsy, but what of him? _ ’ Lancelot pressed, having come back to step fully into his space. Percival stayed where he was, and seemed to figure out what Eggsy was attempting to avoid voicing while Lancelot had been approaching him.

‘He’s not an orphan. Is he, Eggsy?’ Eggsy allowed his head to fall to his chest.

‘He will pay for preying upon our credulous simplicity to save his own hide.’ Lancelot growled, none of the laissez-faire man left.

‘But-’

‘Not a word. You wished us to be merciless? Here we begin that journey.’

Lancelot and Percival went to retrieve the rest of Kingsman, and Eggsy returned to the house to retrieve his belongings. He stepped across the threshold and to the room that had so briefly been his own, only to stop in his tracks to be met by candlelight and Harry sat upon his bed.

‘Am I to take it that you’re returning to those you just this mornings professed to destroy?’ Harry sounded so disappointed in him, and Eggsy couldn’t help but allow the tears he’d refuse to shed to fall loose. He did not wail, though he desired it, or fall to his knees in supplication- he merely stood there, in the doorjamb, and wept silently for the potential life he had only to blame his sense of duty for destroying.

‘I’m a man of my word Harry- I’ve told you that I bind myself to it tightly- and tonight I have laid eyes upon the very apprenticeship contract that began this sorry life I’ve come to lead.’ Eggsy pulled the parchment from his belt and passed it to Harry, shaking it a bit when he hesitated. ‘I’ve been trapped by a noose of my own knotting- my birthday is the twenty-ninth of February, you see, which means by a technicality I’m merely a young boy of five and not the man of my twenty-two journeys around the sun.’

‘Oh, my dear, my apologies for your circumstance. Had I the means to alter such things for you know that I would surely do so.’ Harry remained o the bed, contract clutched in his hands, and he sounded as if he genuinely regretted what Eggsy was having to do, as if he cared as more than a passing friend, and Eggsy could not help but wish for another option.

‘I’ll be proper free in seventy years, give or take?’

‘I’m afraid that my body would not survive that long to meet you here, much as my soul pleas otherwise.’

‘Well,’ Eggsy hesitated, having already once before extended invitation and been rejected, though by a wholly other man, ‘you could come with me?’ He offered a hand to Harry, such a wide gap still lay between them. The room, their circumstances, whatever this strange sensation was betwixt them.

Harry hesitated, eyes flicked back and forth between Eggsy’s own and his outstretched hand, and Eggsy began to retract his hand when Harry stood suddenly.

‘A moment, Eggsy- I swear to you I will return to this spot in moments and will gladly follow you from this place if you could grant me that one request.’ Harry grasped both his hands around Eggsy’s one, face pleading as Eggsy looked briefly to the window. The moon was not yet high enough- there was time yet. He nodded, and stepped fully into the room before beginning to gather his things.

‘I have the excuse of belongings to gather- it would not be unsurprising for you to do the same.’

‘And if my belongings were rather more... lively in nature?’ Harry turnt back from where he was stood just outside the doorjamb, and Eggsy didn’t dare think on what he meant. ‘We have until the moon reaches its peak to meet the men. ‘Til then, long as the Major General ain’t aware, it doesn’t matter what’s collected.’ Harry nodded before disappearing down the hall, no sound accompanying his steps.

Eggsy collected his things in a daze, not that there was much to collect in the first place, and sat upon the bed. The last twenty-four hours had been a rough storm to weather, but it seemed as if he would come out the other end better for it. Harry seemed of the intention to leave his life as a peacekeeper to join Eggsy for reasons he would not put words to. That alone was a boon. He may spend the rest of his days cursing the man who had signed him onto this path, but he would certainly be doing his damnedest to be the best he could be. 

There was no excuse for him to not put his best foot forward- you cannot change the book, but you could at least make the journey a pleasant one.

There was a soft knock at the door, and Eggsy looked up to find Roxanne stood there, a pack across her back in a pair of sturdy trousers and a coat that looked seaworthy as anything. Behind her was Merlin, breeches dark and shirt light, who also bore a bag.

‘Oh, of course the peacock’s the last one here- come, lad, you’ve to lead us now. Harry’ll catch up to us.’ Merlin spoke softly, looked briefly to the ceiling before gesturing to the hall. Eggsy could scarcely move, this turn of events so far from even his wildest dreams, but Roxanne came forward and dragged him from the bed- despite his mind, his body seemed to know the proper course.

‘Dare I ask what these men are here for, Eggsy?’ Lancelot spoke from the gangway, stood precisely where he needed to to be an obstruction in every sense, with a brow raised and a smirk upon his lips.

‘They’re here for me.’ Eggsy lifted his chin and looked his once-again captain in the eye, ‘If I’m gonna be a real member of this crew I ain’t doin’ it alone- and fuck knows Percival ain’t mine, anymore.’ They locked eyes for a moment or an age, neither knew, but eventually Lancelot nodded and walked up and into the captain’s quarters- and Eggsy led them aboard.

‘Who’re you, then?’ Bors questioned, and Eggsy allowed himself a smirk. ‘Well, the one withou’ hair is Merlin. The lady is Le Fey, and the other man is Galahad.’ Roxanne and Harry looked to him with raised brows, but Eggsy simply shrugged and they came toward him from where they were stowing their packs.

‘Ah, Eggsy, that reminds me- we never did Knight you, did we?’ Lancelot emerged from the cabin, looking much the same as he had when he went inside, save for the mussed-ness of his hair.

‘I was rather hoping never to be so honoured, but it seems it is a fate I cannot escape.’ Eggsy sighed and looked to Lancelot in askance, ‘what have you set aside for me, Captain?’

‘You’re to be Excalibur, son,’ Percival came through the door and set a hand against Eggsy’s shoulder, eyes kind and a sad smile set upon his lips, ‘for a sword acts not on its own accord, it merely follows the whims of those who wield it.’ There was a sad lilt to his voice, and Eggsy could read the apology between the words. He lifted a hand to replicate Percival’s gesture on his opposing arm, and smiled.

Things were not good, and likely would not ever truly be joyful between them, but this was a start. A place of understanding to rebuild from.

The band folded their new members in well, asking of weapons skills and a thousand other things as they made their way back to the estate.

‘You know,’ Harry said conversationally, ‘I’ve not held any affection for the Major General for years now. You’ve come into my life at a very opportune time, I would surely have struck the man in the coming days with the sorts of things he’s been spouting. Valentine,’ Harry spat, ‘is of the sort who believes currency can solve all woes. And, certainly, an abundance of it can lessen certain forms of hardship- but only before it begins to corrupt and cause new disasters altogether. Chester has began to subscribe to such philosophies, and thus neglect his fellow man.’

Lancelot had fallen back from leading the group from the ship to walk by Eggsy, and turned to Harry. ‘So for this event to truly hurt him, Galahad,’ Eggsy thrilled at the casual acceptance of the name he’d given the man, ‘would it be better to go for the man, or his pocketbook?’

‘Well,’ Merin interjected, ‘the assets would be the simplest route toward a true pain, but that course of action has already been taken.’ Roxanne ran back up to the ship, and came back with one of their packs. She paused before Lancelot, and presented it to him without comment. Eggsy was struck by the similarities in the cuts of their jaws, the set of their eyes, and wondered if they could somehow have been connected by blood. Lancelot took the bag from her and nearly dropped it- it seemed to be far heavier than it looked. Percival came to Lancelot as he raised a hand, and held the bag for the captain as he reached inside.

From within the bag came an ornament of silver, and next a small candlestick of gold, and another ornament, a string of pearls- and there Lancelot stopped and lifted his head, staring at the newcomers with a look of intense glee.

‘To what purpose did you commandeer these?’

‘To provide one last fuck you to the man before leaving his employ.’ Merlin said succinctly, ‘a policeman’s lot is not a happy one.’ The other two nodded in agreement. Eggsy looked to Harry with his jaw partially dropped, and the trio exchanged grins before bowing ostentatiously.

‘Then what purpose have we in approaching the man once more? Have him awaken to an empty home- empty of his treasures and his wards with nothing left to guide him but his falsehoods.’ Lancelot nodded decisively, and Eggsy nearly cheered. A reprieve, of sorts, would allow him to come to terms with his new station in life. Or, well, his old station in life- and teach those who had deigned to follow him the ins and outs of their new profession.

‘Ah, Eggsy, I had been meaning to ask- could I, perhaps, ask your surname?’ Harry looked shy, the tips of his ears pinked, and Eggsy couldn’t help but wonder as to his purpose in requesting that information. They were stood together on the bow, the spray of the sea as refreshing as it could be given its icy nature

‘What for? It ain’t like we’re gonna be respectable blokes in this lifetime.’

‘It’s simply that you remind me of an old friend, and I wonder if at some juncture your family lines did cross.’ The way Harry refused to meet his eye implied there was more to it than that, but at this point what had he to lose? He was bound to this ship, to its principles and its goals, what harm was there in sharing the name he would never need again?

‘Unwin. My father’s name was Lee, and my mum’s was Michelle, but he passed before I was signed to the ship and mum fell out of contact with me several years ago. I think,’ Eggsy mused, ‘that my bein’ at sea and so far from home was too much for her, an’ she’d rather know nothing than only know some. Did that answer your question?’ Eggsy turned to Harry when he did not get a reply only to find the man staring at him as if he were some sort of priceless treasure instead of the hapless victim of circumstance.

‘Your father saved my life. I swore a debt, that day, to do what I could to repay his deeds and I never heard word of his passing. I am sorry for your loss, but I am grateful for the opportunity to have met you without that debt so obviously between us-’ Eggsy cut Harry off with a hand on his arm, and smiled as he shook his head.

‘There ain’t debt between crewmates, Galahad. You’ve more than done your fair share of assisting me even without that knowledge in the open. If my father truly did save your life, then he knew precisely the sort of man you were and never would have demanded such repayment.’

‘And if I told you that I am of the suspicion that Roxanne is one of your-  _ our, _ ’ Harry corrected himself, ‘Captain’s bastard children?’

‘Then I’d congratulate you on your vision and deductive reasoning- but have you knowledge of if either of them knows? I think not, but I do not know Roxanne well enough to lay claims to her knowledge of her parentage.’

‘She was left at a police station at a tender age- a shopkeep said they’d only seen a woman that evening come by before stopping briefly at the stoop- perhaps her mother was ashamed not only of having had a child without being wed, but of the sire himself. After all,’ Harry leant over conspiratorially, ‘who would ever wish to lay claim to a pirate’s lineage?’

‘Certainly not anyone of import- likely not anyone at all besides, let alone a member of Kingsman. Captain or not, the ship is not one that someone would take pride in the… antics… of. We certainly have only a lacklustre fame behind us, as we refuse to target anyone we have hopes against.’ Merlin spoke from behind Eggsy, who whirled about and struck him in the chest.

‘Why do you continuously startle me? Does it truly bring you that much enjoyment to repeatedly harass me so as opposed to literally any other member of our band?’

‘Yes.’ Harry hid a laugh behind a hand, but the hand did nothing to stifle the sound. It was contagious, once Eggsy paused to think upon the ridiculousness of their circumstances, and soon nearly half the crew had joined in their joy. They were all noble men, of a sort, who had gone wrong- whether through their actions or someone else’s depended upon the person in question- and as their next target loomed into view Eggsy let himself relax.

He may not have ever wanted the title of Excalibur, but it was one he would learn to wear with pride.

**Author's Note:**

> If you don't know what Pirates of Penzance is, it's a musical that's kind of a parody of pirate musicals, very tongue in cheek; there's a film version with Kevin Kline in it (the whole thing is on youtube if you're curious) and this just wouldn't leave me be.
> 
> I was tempted to keep it very true to the stage production and shove the songs in there but it just didn't work. I'm very sad not to have been able to shove in OH FALSE ONE, YOU HAVE DECEIV'D ME' but I wanted the story to make sense.
> 
> If one human besides me wanted this AU I'll eat... I dunno. An expired cheez-it or something.
> 
> As always, find me on tumblr at [AgentDagonet](http://www.agentdagonet.tumblr.com)


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